Emotional Rollercoaster

The only thing I know for sure, is this journey has been unpredictable and an emotional rollercoaster.  We have never been so happy as to hear those words that I was pregnant on July 1st.  Such a completely opposite feeling as to what we felt on Monday when we went in for the 7 week ultrasound and all we were looking at was an amniotic sac that was only measuring 5 and 1/2 weeks.  There was no heartbeat and no embryo we could see.  Basically, the embryo just stopped growing about a week and a 1/2 ago for no obvious reason.

Dr. Hammoud was very empathetic and talked to us for quite awhile.  He said that miscarriages happen all the time and it is typically a genetic issue.  He felt that it doesn't necessarily make me more likely to have another one in the future.  Unfortunately, insurance won't pay for any genetic testing unless you've had more than one miscarriage.

They want me to schedule a follow-up with him in about a week to make sure that my body takes care of this naturally, otherwise I'll have to have a D & C.  Once the progesterone is worked out of my system, this should happen.  I really want my hormones balanced.  We'll be able to talk with him then about what would be the next plan if we decide to try this again.

Life just seems so unfair and confusing sometimes, but we are really trying to stay positive.  We are very blessed in many ways.  We have an incredible family and amazing friends.  We have each other to lean on and as tough as this has been, every step brings us closer and strengthens our relationship.  I'm glad I was able to actually get pregnant for my first time and it does give me some hope for having a biological child some day. I'm also relieved that it happened now than to have a problem with the baby discovered later.

It is just so hard to see all this money being spent without any results or guarantees. Most Reproductive Endocronologist don't do a good job with researching why individual patients have reproductive issues to begin with. They just treat patients with what works for most people and hope for the best. We need to get even more educated about infertility, that I know.  I've found some resources that I'll be exploring.

Clay and I have a lot to think about right now in order to decide our next steps. It will get easier every day, especially as we learn more and settle on decisions.  We just have to keep the faith that we will be parents one day...someway, somehow.

Thank you for your support, prayers and encouraging words during this whole process.

Double Happiness!

The past few days have been extra difficult waiting, so I've been wearing this special necklace for strength, courage and good luck!  I received it from the Nelsons - they bought it in China and it means "Double Happiness". 

We are certainly feeling double happiness today!  The HCG beta test (pregnancy blood test) was this morning and it was POSITIVE!  The levels need to be over 100 and my levels were 222!  I think it would be higher if there were twins, but we won't know for sure until the viability ultrasound in 2-3 weeks.  We so appreciate all of our friends and family's support, positive thoughts, vibes and prayers!  Keep them coming for a nice healthy pregnancy and baby (babies)!  We are just thrilled! I just cannot contain my excitement!

This morning was so tough though!  We went in for the test at 8:15 am and we had to wait 30 min to just take my blood.  They said they would call in about 2 hours, maybe 3, so we went to breakfast and were hoping to hear before noon.  They didn't call until 1 pm!  We were going crazy and trying to keep ourselves occupied!  Lexi the nurse was great...she asked if we had cheated and taken a home test and I said "no" and then she said "well, congratulations you two, the test was positive!".  Then she told me that I needed to make an appointment for the ultrasound between July 16th and 21st when I would be 7 weeks along.  I was totally shaking as I was writing it all down.  When we got off the phone, Clay and I just hugged and kissed for so long!  It has been a long road to get here!  Now we are facing a new and strange road, but we are excited to see what will be down there!  Kind of ironic that today is the start of the 2nd half of 2010!

I just want to tell everyone and shout it from the rooftops, but I'm also really nervous because these next few weeks are such a sensitive time.  Even though I'm publishing the news here, please try to keep it a bit quiet until the ultrasound.  We've been able to talk to or get the message out to most of our immediate family and best friends.  I loved making everyone cry tears of happiness!  Double happiness! 

We feel so incredibly blessed today for our growing apple seed sized embryo(s), but also such wonderful friends and family! Love you all!

The embryos are home!

It's been a rough waiting game over the past few days.  We learned yesterday by the embryologist calling that 8 eggs were mature and were fertilized with ICSI.  The other 3 eggs were left to mature on their own.  Only 1 did mature, but it didn't fertilize.  7 of the fertilized embryos started dividing like they should.  He told us to expect a call in the morning with more updates on their progress.

Dr. Hammoud called us just after 8:00 am and gave us a big decision to make.  He said that 3 of the 7 embryos are looking really good.  They have divided to 6 and 7 cells and are rated as a 2 (1 being the best, but is very rare).  2 of them are medium quality (4 cells with a 2 rating) and the other 2 are lower quality (3 cells with a 3 rating).  He said that we had the choice to do the transfer today or wait until Day 5, but we risk losing some or even all of them.  There are many differing opinions about Day 3 vs Day 5 transfers.  Some say that the uterus is the most natural state and they will do as well there as they would in the petri dish.  Others say that if the embryos don't make it to Day 5, they weren't good enough quality to transfer anyway.  There is definitely a slighly better chance of pregnancy for a Day 5 transfer (5-10%). 

Dr. Hammoud and Dr. Gibson met and they both suggested a transfer today of the 2 best (both 7 cells).  Then we can still watch the other 5 and we'll know more about how they are behaving and hopefully have some to freeze.  We talked about the pros and cons of both and felt good about transferring today, so we headed up there.  The doctor answered any other questions we had and talked about the risks (miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, infection, etc.).  We received pictures of the embryos and he gave me 2 valium pills.

It is such an amazing procedure!  The doctor inserted a guiding catheter directly to 1 cm from the top of the uterus.  Then we watched on a screen as the embryologist showed my name and sucked up the embryos in a media which is similar to the uterine environment.  He walked directly into the room, the catheter was emptied into my uterus and then the catheter was checked under the microscope to make sure the embryos were not longer there.  I then slept for about a 1/2 hour and left in a wheelchair.

I called my acupuncturist after leaving and he had availability at 2 pm, so while we were waiting, Clay picked up lunch and we ate a little picnic at the park.  It was such a beautiful day today!  70 degrees and barely a cloud in the sky!  A perfect day for 2 little embryos to settle into their loving, nurturung home for the next 9 months!

Fertility gifts (my good luck charms)!

My Aunt Kathy and Uncle David gave these Chinese and Indian Fertility Amulets at Christmas.  David brought the Chinese Amulet while on a trip there just a few weeks earlier.  I had these in my pockets during the retrieval and the transfer.  I was told to hang them in a place with high energy in my home.

Abbie gave me this tea towel on Mother's Day!  I keep it where I take all my shots.

Retrieval Day!

Well, I'm home from the retrieval.  Everything went well, despite the nurse having to try 3 times for my IV line!  Ugh!  It's a good thing I'm not too sensitive to needles.  I am definitely sore and crampy right now, but I'm not as tired as I remembered from the last time.  I'm sure I'll take a nap later, but now I'm going to catch up on some TV shows and maybe a chick flick or two!  Clay made me a wonderful breakfast of a bagel and fruit.  (I read pineapple is very good food for implantation)

So...good news!  I was completely asleep, but Clay said Dr. Hammoud came in after meeting with the embryologist and reported there were 11 eggs retrieved.  There may be even more eggs in the follicular fluid.  After only 5 eggs the last time, we were very happy with that result.  We should hear from the embryologist within the next 2 days to see how the embryos are developing.  The doc said that they will attempt to fertilize all eggs, but only the mature ones will be done through ICSI.  The eggs that are not quite mature will be surrounded by sperm in the petri dish where they may mature and fertilize later.

We're praying for the embryologist to have steady and skilled hands and works perfectly on our eggs and sperm today!

No regrets!

I took 3 pregnancy tests this morning and they were all a very faint line, so I called the clinic for advice.  Dr. Jones went through my chart thoroughly and called me back.  She asked that Clay join me on the speakerphone.  She explained that last time we had a small sampling of mature eggs, which is why we're doing a different regimen this time, but we don't know exactly why this happened when we had more follicles and we don't know exactly why those embryos that were transferred didn't implant.  She said it could have been the HCG levels, but it could also have been the quality of the egg or the sperm.  The sperm loved the hamster eggs, but in the past there have been a high number with poor morphology.  She suggested I get a HCG booster shot to cover all my bases.  It may make my abdomen more sore, but it shouldn't really affect me negatively other than that.

Dr. Jones discussed my file with the embryologist and they both agreed that doing ICSI will give us the very best chance for quality embryos.  This is a delicate procedure where they take one of the best sperm and insert it directly into the egg.  They will do this for each mature egg.  She said that, yes it is more expensive, but so is doing IVF again.  We agreed because we don't want to have any regrets.  We are looking forward to hearing that we have more embryos and better quality!

It is so strange to think that we should have embryos starting to grow tomorrow... essentially, our child/children will begin their creation.  I am amazed and appreciative of these medical advances!  It is so incredible that these procedures are possible.  We talked this morning about how the selection of one sperm and one egg is in the hands of an embryologist.  Yes, there is some random selection, but it is no longer natural.  It is interesting to think about. I'm sure there are people out there that don't believe in this process, but we want to be parents so much that if this is the only way, well then, we're going to put our faith and trust in the professionals.

Day 12

So, we're on for a Monday morning retrieval!  During the ultrasound this morning we learned the follicles are progressing very well.  There was only 1 follicle over the size of 25, so that means the egg will probably be too mature by Monday.  There were 15 between size 16 and 22, most of them on my left ovary.  My estrogen level was 1940, which had increased due to the follicles still growing.

HCG shot tonight at 7:30 pm, which will be 36 hours prior to a 7:30 am retrieval.  Pregnancy test on Sunday morning to make sure there is HCG in my system.  We're feeling hopeful!